Appa was not all that great, Anyway !!

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We all know that one spot in the house, which has been untouched for a long time. I wont say its dirty but its dusty. We might clean the room everyday, but there’s one spot that the broom could never reach and we dont bother to put in that extra effort anyway, because it will only make things worse, the dust will blow up suffocating and leaving us with an irritating headache.

Well, the same happens with my heart too. There is a rough edged cornor, where i have carefully scattered some taunting memories. I know they are there. But i dont want to visit them.

But yeah, like we are forced to meet some people, we are also forced to visit some places.

And the weekned that went by, called my attention to clean the little dusty lonely cornor of my bookshelf (All of the books collection that i ever have was gifted by Appa; Topics ranging from Poetry, women, spirituality, love, loss, inspirations and manymore). I found myself dusting and brushing off some weird memories about Appa. And it dawned upon me, as I sat coughing in the midst of blownup dust, that ‘Appa was (not all) that great’.

  1. He humiliated us:

Yeah right. He humiliated us. With his humbleness, honesty, grace, selflessness, and ofcourse his smile. It was humiliating because we wanted to be like him and we couldint. Because everyone kept asking us ‘repeatedly‘ “Unga Appa va” (is he your dad?). It is such a shame that we couldint match up to his greatness. He led a wishless life. Something which makes him the rarest of the rare human beings. Why was he so humble. What was he thinking about himself. What was he thinking about us. Why was he stacking up so much of unperishable wealth for us? Each of these questions humiliate us.

2. He was a ‘weak’ man: 

He was weak in heart. He was a coward. He was scared to face life head on. He dint gather up the courage to put up a fight and he bowed down ingloriously. He gave up. If he was’nt any of the above, he would have lived now. He wanted to go before us. He did not want to outlive us. He should have stayed back and kissed our kids. He should have fought those final moments and pleaded mercy. He should have been with us through our sleepless nights with our little ones. He should have been here. But he quit like a Hero. He quit like a Boss. He quit like a Father.

3. He was a Mediocre Man: 

He loved mediocrity. He was never yelling on the top of his voice when we failed. When we failed as Students, as sportsmen as humans. He was never upset with us. He embraced our mediocrity instead of punishing us. He reminded us we all were mere humans, bound to make mistakes and perfection is to leave to God alone. He was fine if we woke up at 11 am, he was fine if we had breakfast without brushing teeth, he was fine if we hated people, he was fine if we did not do what he asked us to do. He was fine with us. He was fine with our flaws and loved our imperfections. He thought his role as a Dad was to love and not ridicule.

4. He was a master of ‘Naked Lies: 

He would call me, ‘Best Girl In India’, while i was not even the best girl in the family. He lied to us of how proud he was, during days we thought we were nothing. He lied to us that we were born winners. He lied to us that he will be with us till the end. His naked lies are nauseating. I could hear his lies flow from his coffin, those cold lies of being together and fathering forever.

Sometimes, well most times i wish I could burry my head in the sand cry for hours. Dust the rough edged cornor of my heart and beautify the memories. But it needs to be dirty, the memories need to be rusty, so that each time you visit it, it pinches your nerves and blows up the heart into untracable tiny pieces that no one can ever fix.

The dust stared at me.

Along with the dust, his dignity in death, His smile, his blemishless life, his baby like smiles, everything stared at me.

I stared back and failed. I failed in front of his humbleness, I failed at his fatherhood, i failed at his magnificent giant like Appa-hood. Like always, we failed and he smiled.

He won in life, he won in death, he won in after-life.

Pris.

 

 

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Dad’s Remembrance Day !!

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it was 2yrs back this day, June 8th, we bid farewell to the greatest human being of our lives.  Our Dad, our Appa, our Dada boy, our Gapa.

Time heals, was one big lie, that the whole world lied to us that day.

But our Appa knows that it has never been easy till this second, with the intensity of that stabbing pain increasing with each denied moment with him.

Although we promised to unite as a family each year this day, here we are in different parts of the world, but held together in thoughts, memories, prayers and tears.

Evry year,

we wanted to visit his grave that gloriously bears his name and that shining Cross that bears witness to his and our faith.

We wanted to buy those fresh and best flowers in the world and decorate his granite house that stores his mortal remains.

We wanted to buy those brightest candles and stand beside him as a testimony to what he was.

We wanted to hold our hearts together and cry like little babies to show him what he has left behind.

we wanted to be in the best of our clothes, dreseed like he always wanted us to be.

I wanted to gently pat my mom and say, “what a blessed woman you are.”

i wanted to look into my brother’s eyes and ask the same old question, why us, why our dad, why so soon, why so suddenly.

I wanted to hug Jaya, my sister in law and she would whisper, ” Dad is in heAven, dad is with Jesus, he never wanted us to cry”

we are here, today, walking with broken bandages. Bandages that keeps tearing off each time we talk nought of this great man. We wrapped our open wounds with his memories.

Sometimes I wish some random doctor told us that those will be the final 10 days of dad or some angel just hinted us that dad will disappear in the next 5 days.

I promise dad, if I knew those were your last days, I would have hugged you every single day.

I would have kissed you every single minute.

I would have begged forgiveness for every wrong and led a guilt free life after your disappearance.

I would have done everything for you. Changed your clothes, wiped your body and held you like a baby.

All 5 of us would sit around you, read the Bible and desperately made the dying prayer.

We would have put up our best face, smiling, just to assure you that we are enjoying our final moments with you.

in short we would have faked it.

But none of the above happened.

You flew without a clue,

There was no time for a goodbye hug.

You saw our naked souls, with all the blemish, the imperfect souls you loved.

You told me you were coming to see me, you promised to be the first few to hold my newborn.

you have never j lied to me, neither were your final words a lie.

you did come, as a baby, the baby I fondly call Ved, in your memory.

You took a part of me with you to heaven, but you were also kind enough to leave a part of you in my lap.

He is wearing your smile, that smile that angelic grace that can fix any heartbreak in a flash.

We wear layers of niceness around us, but the inner hurt is as cruel as the 1st time on June 8th, 2014, we heard a stranger say, your dad is no more.

So many fathers, Rich Fathers, Poor Fathers, Rude Fathers, Namesake Fathers, but you are a step above everyone, A Blessed Father.

With the faith you taught us , we are awaiting eagerly to unite together with you for eternity.

Rest In Peace Appa,

Rest for a while,

Rest your tried hands & feet,

Rest in heavenly peace.

Rest till we meet again at Jesus feet.

Pris.

 

 

The Deadly Sun Stroke / Heat Stroke !! ~ Watch out this Summer.

As the Scorching Sun sets in this summer, here is all you need to know about the Killer Heat Wave, that is eating India.

Sun Stroke is also called as Heat Stroke.

It is the most serious form of heat injury and is considered a Medical Emergency.

To know more, please follow the below links: Please I urge you, read through:

http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/heat-stroke-symptoms-and-treatment

http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Rid-of-Sunstroke

http://www.sunstrokesymptoms.com/

http://www.webmd.boots.com/a-to-z-guides/heatstroke-symptoms-treatment-sunstroke

Here are few tips that I would like to tell you, personally:

  1. Always carry Water. It is like carrying cash.
  2. Give Water to Old People, Pregnant Woman, Tired Teenager or a Dehydrated Kid.
  3. Basically give Water to everyone.
  4. Give water to the ones who don’t ask you.
  5. To the wanderer, to the guy repairing a manhole, to the old fellow carrying bricks braving the hot sun with his bare body.
  6. Don’t feel shy. Just offer Water if you feel someone is distressed.

Because even after so many months I am haunted by the thought that no one came forward to offer a cup of Water to my dehydrated Dad and that we had to lose him to Sun Stroke.

If only, someone sensed he was distressed and passing out, if only someone asked him, “Sir any help”, if only they told him to drink some cold water and relax, if only someone called the doctor at the next station ..

Dad’s passing away has taught me the greatest lesson, 30 yrs of existence failed to teach.

The ‘Apathy’ we all show for our fellow human beings and animals alike.

I have been so preoccupied by my thoughts. I have never helped anyone. Who knows how many times I could have saved a life my mere kindness.

I cant but help imagine the worse, of how many times I have failed my fellow travellers who were actually looking up to me for help.

I never know the value a cup of Water could make.

How many times I have walked passed the burning street leaving a profusely sweating daily wager to die. May not be, but you never know.

Walk across, walk past by, lend a bottle of water, you may never know how such small acts of kindness can save someone’s life.

You don’t need Money to save lives. You only need a Kind Heart. Because all the money we had could never bring back our Dear Dad.

Thank you for reading !!

Pris.

i have stopped missing my Father, for good !!

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Life has its own way of sending out frequent reminders on Bad Memories.

those that rip you apart. strike you down, replay the horrific scenes by sequence and put you through the same pain, fear and guilt you experienced years back.

Oh yes, life also does the same with Happiness Memories, but not as frequent as it should.

So was one such day, today, in the midst of a chaotic afternoon at work, from nowhere, my mind replayed scenes from my dad’s last day. well as embarrassing as it may sound, sitting in the midst of a 100 employees, you cant just explode.

While all I wanted to do was run as fast as I can to a place, humanS never walked before and cry out loud. nothing of this happened.

But I did cry.

Inside my head, Deep in my soul.

Somehow, I have mastered this art of ‘crying without tears’ after Dad detached himself from me.

Cry without tears, Laugh without a joke, talk without a person next to you, lie on plain floor and pretend it to be Dad’s lap, Hug and being hugged back by gentle breeze, Kiss the memories and slap that invisible fate.

All of this is humanely possible only by those who have experienced a loss that came as a shock. A shock that left them with a  paralysed soul.

But yes, on a second thought, I have really stopped missing my Dad,

Meaning,

I used to be overwhelmed, when I see Facebook posts of my friends with their dads, hugging and laughing. I would tell myself, “Fake Fake, my dad was much better’ and look at the Sky and say ‘Not Fair’.

I used to stare at random girls, when they walk holding their dad’s hands. Tears would flood my eyes and I wouldn’t hide them. its so fresh in my memory, when dad slid his manly hard worked hands over my tiny fingers and we walked & chatted through the  streets of Chennai.

When my colleagues used to talk to their dads, I used to scroll through my phone and call my dad’s number. I would be reminded by a kind stranger, that, that number is no longer in use. but so much pleasure in doing that and let go of giant like mute sobs.

But you know what, its been pretty much some time, since I cried for Dad.

Not because he is no more, but because there is more and more of him in my life than ever before.

when I lie on baby soft lap, when Ved gently pats me to sleep, I have screamed a thousand times. “Appa Appa, that’s appa’s touch”. that same touch, that same gentleness, that same divine peace.

His eyes, his smile, his small fat round nose, his screams, his grin, in his sleep, he is a perfect example of ‘Daddy turned Baby’.

Every time I miss dad, I look into my Son’s eyes, and I know, the once father, is for today and forever my son.

but I do miss him, at times, I need that grace to forgive, that angelic smile to cheer up, that tender voice to encourage, that extra push to be kind and firm prayers to take decision.

It is after his death, when I walk around looking at other ‘Dad’s’, I realize, my Dad was 1 in a Mankind. just like another’s.

A part of me departed with Appa, just like him, without much fanfare.

But, I know I am one of the most Blessed Woman, Because not every day, in every Woman’s life, Her dad, A Superhero, is Reborn !

Pris.

 

 

 

I Wish Dad, I Just Wish !!

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I wish, like last year this day, I wished you a Happy Birthday.

I Wish, we sat and chatted on the floor in our house that was built with memories and not walls.

I Wish like every year, you bought me a Birthday Cake for your Birthday.

I Wish, your last years birthday wish to live for 95yrs came true.

I Wish you came in our dreams today and we ate a hearty meal together.

I Wish, you heard Liam’s new stories from his new school. You genuinely enjoyed them.

I wish, I told you about the other heartbeat thats beating in sync with mine.

I Wish appa, today you told me, “prisma be bold, you are the best girl in India”

I Wish appa you’d flash that Angelic Smile once again.

I Wish, your photograph that lies beside my bed comes alive for a few seconds. Am waiting with eyes wide open.

I Wish, like always you gently pressed my swollen legs.

I Wish I could trade all the Riches I have to spend a minute with you, just yto say a hearty “Goodbye”. Remember you owe me one.

I wish, I desperately wish, you know, it was me and not asir Anna who stole 5 bucks from your pocket in 1993 @our kellys home. You punished the poor boy, leaving me guilty for life.

Dad, asir and I believe with all our heart, that we shall definitely meet on the beautiful shore. Its just the human heart that aches and we hope you understand how strong your kids are.

Pris

The Accidental Son-in-law …….Whom My Dad Loved !!

Well, I intend to write a blog about Reji, but did not get his consent for the same as He disapproved every single thing I felt about him.

 
He said I can freely write about him, the day I can wake up @ 2 am and get him a glass of water without murmuring. He simply doesn’t believe in my writing in public forums as I still lack some basic qualities that I should Possess as a wife.

 
Nevertheless, I will still go ahead to keep up with the tradition 🙂

 
He was loved by Dad, few times I could see some jealousy popping out of dad’s eyes. But dad stood by me in all my decisions. My decision to take Reji as a life-time partner never shook his faith in me and he believed in all the choices I made.

 
If dad was alive, he would have phoned me up and asked to convey blessings and wishes to Reji. Not that he din’t like him, but he was simply too shy to talk to Reji.
Today, on Reji’s Birthday, I have nothing to give him except some few words, which definitely is not empty.

 

Reji never really consoled me with words, during dad’s demise. He would just sit around, leave me alone or crack some out of the world silly jokes and laugh to himself and force me to laugh. His childlike innocence was something i couldint ignore. He left immediately after the funeral to Trivandrum and that’s when I knew, how strong was his presence. Just by sitting quietly he made a lot of difference in my life those couple of days. His Silence has so much power that nulls any fancy condolences some made. That’s him, that’s just him, quiet, subtle, A class-apart.

 
I have never prayed even once in my life, that I should find a partner who is just like my Dad. But just as it turned out to be, our friends and family stand as witness that Reji is nothing but another Dad in disguise.

 
Here are few of my observations, which make them so unique and special in my life:
1) Dad and Reji are both as humble as a grass.
2) The person next to them often can’t hear what they are trying to say.
3) They don’t get your attention when they are around.
4) But missed badly when not in sight.
5) Both hated to be called innocent or goodguy types.
6) Both have often made me feel they don’t belong to this planet.
7) A class apart.
8) They know my weakness.
9) They know am neither naïve nor innocent.
10) They both wanted to talk to each other but never did.
11) Both do the small acts of kindness that the ordinary world wouldn’t generally notice.
12) Ardent readers.
13) Respected little children.
14) Kept opinions to themselves.
15) Knew everything under the Sun, but never tried to sell themselves.
16) Both loved me.
17) I have hurt both, badly, but still they have accepted me back as if nothing ever happened.
18) They put relationship before money and God above everything else.
19) Everyone says I am so lucky to have them in my life :/

 

Never in his dream, dad would have imagined, I will walk up to him one day and confess my love for a Malayali Nair Boy. But as the events of my life unfolded, dad, mom and Asir anna, the three important people stood by me and have never shifted teams ever since.

 
I will stop for a moment, look at the wide blue sky and in all humbleness, thank God for this day and Blessing me through my Choices.

 
I will tell him, that I owe him a lifetime of gratitude for this day.

 
Pris.