I don’t have the luxury of visiting my parents place often.
It is now almost, one time an year affair.
But it is the most cherished and awaited trip in the whole wide world.
We have made houses of our own and moved on with life in different cities and countries.
But the pleasure of sitting down at the very same place our forefathers sat and talked and laughed and cried is beyond explanation.
Going to Chennai (Madras – is how Appa referred to it), our home where Appa lived and died and where we grew up, is like going back and knocking the doors of our Amma’s womb. The only safe spot we ever knew.
Suddenly the work or stress or EMIs or jobs did not matter.
We behave like 5yr olds, pulling up each others legs, lazying around, talking in Tamil, watching random nonsensical Tamil channels, just to feel a little closer to Heaven.
While we contained and tried hard to hide those tears of missing this man of our lives, while all we wanted was to just deny the fact that our hearts carried burdens beyond bearable, while we were hysterical that one of us would start crying and open up a Pandoras Box of burns and bruises of our orphaned souls, we sat still in all the chaos and experienced Peace like a river.
The Peace that flowed through every open bleeding wound of our hearts. I dont know what it is. But I know for sure, i could have never bought it with all the wealth I have.
It was the peace that Appa had in his heart, and left back in our home.
The peace that makes you imagine that divine smell of your Father.
The peace that can help you hear his voice, his cheeky laughter;
The peace that runs through your nerves, when you touch those good old books, ageing almost a 100 years. Books that Appa read skipping food.
The peace that passes through a photoframe of him grinning.
The peace of the sight of that old teakwood table, which now is over a century old, where Appa sat and read the the Bible and Newspapers.
I could almost hear him wake me up in the morning and say ‘ Coffee ready ma’.
If he was alive, he would have stood in defiance of our children and showered him with everything that we could not buy with money.
Darn. He sould have been here mahn !! To see us cuddling and disciplining our little ones. I bet he would have thought to himself, what on earth and how on earth are they talking about discipline 🙂
Nothing is lost. Nothing has died. Nothing is burried.
What was lost was a visible Father, what died was a mere human figure, what is burried is nothing but remains of well spent man’s life.
What is alive, is his sounds of laughter and gentleness, what is real is his memories of limitless love and kindness, what will live forever is his impact on us his children and the blessings that he left back.
Appa had few favourites and one of them was Judah, my little cousin brother, for whose Wedding we met at Chennai.
If the Scriptures are to be believed, If Heaven was the place for our departed beloved ones, if that Eternal place is where our dear ones rejoiced, then i know for sure that, Appa rejoiced during the Wedding Ceremony and was immensely happy for him.
He would have rejoiced, like how we all as one big family rejoiced on Earth on that Beautiful day. He would have giggled from Heaven, looking at his Neices and Nephews and there children and all our fun times.
Like always, the time to move on is one of the painful moments. We are adults we are not supposed to cry. But at heart we are still toddlers refusing to understand why we cannot question God or Death or why we should not cry for Appa Anymore, or Why how much ever we spill out Tantrums, Appa was never gonna come back again.
It’s time to journey back to normal lives. It’s time to once again part with his little piece of Heaven on earth.
We just buy back somemore time, run back to Appa’s little corner, search if there is any memory we could carry and come out with overflowing limitless Fatherly moments and tuck them safely in the cornor of our hearts.
It’s time to leave.
And as we leave in different directions to resume our otherwise normal lives, we wish we could carry this little home in our hands and burry our childlike fears.
And as we are back at our offices and in the midst of a chaotic day at work, we are working out and planning and looking for every possible option to go to Chennai again. Go to our little Heaven on earth !!