It’s a little Cold right now, this midnight.
No no its actually Chill. Chilly cold. The Chillness steadily flowing through my hollow heart.
On this Chilly night, I sit here alone, trying to Unbox a Can of Memories. Memories that were locked up in safety in a grave. I put them in a grave, so that no man can tamper with it and heal the wound.
The wound needs to be fresh and haunting and awfuly painful to do justice to our loss.
The loss that was wrapped in Blue Shirt and lay peacefuly in the center of the Church, a loss that a coffin couldint contain, A loss my brother and I took turns to stare at and touch and feel the chillness to know its real.
A peaceful sleep for you; An irreplacable giant like loss for us.
You rested in peace; Our world shattered in silence.
It’s 3yrs bud !! And it’s time to Heal !!
We cant go forever hurting. We cant go forever wounded refusing to heal.
It’s unusually chill this night, the merciless memories that peep through the window pane take me 3 yrs backwards to this day, the day you were gone.
The day we couldint gather all our money, and save you.
You were so priceless and we hate you for that. You rubbished our strength to save you and you won the battle by giving up.
You dint bother to fight with Jesus for life, because you knew, he takes only the best.
Strange as it is Appa, I have never thought of you so much or loved you enough or kissed you more while you were alive. I had it all in my heart you see. I never expressed it to you. Such a shame I am.
Why did you have to be the kind of rare breed of a Father.
Your adorable Fatherhood and the oveflowing love is a curse.
If only you had failed a bit. I wish sometimes Appa, that you failed as a Father.
that would have given me the liberty to let go off some tears, that would have saved me some painful moments.
Why did you have to be so pure. Why did you have to be so kind, gentle and everything that defined Godliness.
Why did you have to go?
But we all have to go one day, You’d say.
We should have gone together, I’d say.
Your gracious face, full of love, and your soft strong hands that held my life together are so real today.
Are you wrapping me in your memory blanket right now?
I can feel the gentleness, the same gentleness with which you scooped me up from sandy soil when I was a toddler.
I hear our laughter that we shared when i cracked a petty girley joke, when I was 10.
I can feel your fingers that gently wiped the tears, while I rolled all over with the pain in my tummy for the very first time in my teenage.
I can hear you whispher the Lord’s Prayer each night.
Appa, I can feel you right now. I feel as a 5th grader sitting on your lap, with the petticoat on, and lazying. Those were the best days of my life.
Your loving memories are haunting at times, Appa. I feel deprived of your love, when I see other Fathers. I feel orphaned.
Your memories venture into the most hurting places of my soul reminding me of how great a human you were.
Look at the scar Appa. The wounds are healing, slowly, very slowly. But look at the scars.
Scars are telling a story. A story of a Precious Father, who lived a blemishless life and dared to die.
Why did you have to go ?
So soon. So brutally. So humbly.
Can we make a deal of meeting you for a minute.
Not to hug, not to kiss. Not to talk for hours, not to eat a meal together.
But to say a ‘Good-Bye’. You owe us one.
Or may be you dont owe us one.
Or may be you know, its not long enough or far enough that we join you back in heaven.
You’re there with arms open wide, in your Golden Robe, welcoming us along with your forefathers.
All of this sounds cool Appa. Really cool.
But Still…..Why did you have to go ?
So soon. So brutally. So humbly.
But as you would want it to be, As you wished it to be, your memories linger on and comfort us.
As your faith would say;
If you conqour, you will be clothed like them in white robes and I will not blot your names out of the Book of Life; But i will confess your name before My Father and before his angels. Revelations 3: 5;
Oh what a privilege for you Appa for your Blemishless life, when your name is called out today in Heaven !!
You will forever be that Blessing that wealth can never buy.
Bless us from above, that we live like you !!