We all know that one spot in the house, which has been untouched for a long time. I wont say its dirty but its dusty. We might clean the room everyday, but there’s one spot that the broom could never reach and we dont bother to put in that extra effort anyway, because it will only make things worse, the dust will blow up suffocating and leaving us with an irritating headache.
Well, the same happens with my heart too. There is a rough edged cornor, where i have carefully scattered some taunting memories. I know they are there. But i dont want to visit them.
But yeah, like we are forced to meet some people, we are also forced to visit some places.
And the weekned that went by, called my attention to clean the little dusty lonely cornor of my bookshelf (All of the books collection that i ever have was gifted by Appa; Topics ranging from Poetry, women, spirituality, love, loss, inspirations and manymore). I found myself dusting and brushing off some weird memories about Appa. And it dawned upon me, as I sat coughing in the midst of blownup dust, that ‘Appa was (not all) that great’.
- He humiliated us:
Yeah right. He humiliated us. With his humbleness, honesty, grace, selflessness, and ofcourse his smile. It was humiliating because we wanted to be like him and we couldint. Because everyone kept asking us ‘repeatedly‘ “Unga Appa va” (is he your dad?). It is such a shame that we couldint match up to his greatness. He led a wishless life. Something which makes him the rarest of the rare human beings. Why was he so humble. What was he thinking about himself. What was he thinking about us. Why was he stacking up so much of unperishable wealth for us? Each of these questions humiliate us.
2. He was a ‘weak’ man:
He was weak in heart. He was a coward. He was scared to face life head on. He dint gather up the courage to put up a fight and he bowed down ingloriously. He gave up. If he was’nt any of the above, he would have lived now. He wanted to go before us. He did not want to outlive us. He should have stayed back and kissed our kids. He should have fought those final moments and pleaded mercy. He should have been with us through our sleepless nights with our little ones. He should have been here. But he quit like a Hero. He quit like a Boss. He quit like a Father.
3. He was a Mediocre Man:
He loved mediocrity. He was never yelling on the top of his voice when we failed. When we failed as Students, as sportsmen as humans. He was never upset with us. He embraced our mediocrity instead of punishing us. He reminded us we all were mere humans, bound to make mistakes and perfection is to leave to God alone. He was fine if we woke up at 11 am, he was fine if we had breakfast without brushing teeth, he was fine if we hated people, he was fine if we did not do what he asked us to do. He was fine with us. He was fine with our flaws and loved our imperfections. He thought his role as a Dad was to love and not ridicule.
4. He was a master of ‘Naked Lies:
He would call me, ‘Best Girl In India’, while i was not even the best girl in the family. He lied to us of how proud he was, during days we thought we were nothing. He lied to us that we were born winners. He lied to us that he will be with us till the end. His naked lies are nauseating. I could hear his lies flow from his coffin, those cold lies of being together and fathering forever.
Sometimes, well most times i wish I could burry my head in the sand cry for hours. Dust the rough edged cornor of my heart and beautify the memories. But it needs to be dirty, the memories need to be rusty, so that each time you visit it, it pinches your nerves and blows up the heart into untracable tiny pieces that no one can ever fix.
The dust stared at me.
Along with the dust, his dignity in death, His smile, his blemishless life, his baby like smiles, everything stared at me.
I stared back and failed. I failed in front of his humbleness, I failed at his fatherhood, i failed at his magnificent giant like Appa-hood. Like always, we failed and he smiled.
He won in life, he won in death, he won in after-life.