When My Brother Married, He bought home a SunShine !!

To start off with I Bless Asir anna and Jaya a Million times in Jesus name as they complete 5yrs of marriage today.

Ok So with Jaya the last memory that has got registered with me is when we hugged each other and sobbed uncontrollably in our house in Chennai, during the final moments of Dad’s funeral.

I promised her, I will make my baby call her Jaya mommy. I told her she is not just a sister-in-law but she is going to be my pillar of strength forever from that day. I hope she remembers this 🙂 

Well, Jaya can surprise you in thousand million ways. So different were our culture, religion, food habits, but the way she gracefully accepted all was beyond the word amazing.

I still remember, me cribbing to Dad, that once Jaya comes into our family, his love towards me will become less. But Dad’s reply as always was intelligent and thoughtful. He said, a father’s love never divides, It only Multiplies as more children come in.

Dad was so proud of her, so was mom, so am I.

We are of the same age, we laughed at silly jokes, we have had few but great Shopping moments together.

We have had only few days that we stayed together. Me in Kerala, and she in rest of the world. I had never really got to spend hours of chit chatting with her.

I got to know her up close and personal, during our Thatha’s funeral. We spent one full night dedicating hymns to thatha before his funeral. I mean that was just amazing time of singing and bonding. A bold girl, never shys away from the demands of an extended family.

We have sang together in church during thatha’s funeral and she took care of me and my baby so well, during rough times. She wouldint speak anything. She would sit beside me in the cot and gently pat my crying soul.

She chose dad’s final farewel dress and his coffin. A beautiful blue shirt. She did everything from my shoes. She was the only little big friend asir and I could lean on, on that day.

Still awed by the immense support she gave to my brother and me during dad’s loss. Dealing with pain with a person like Jaya around is a Blessing.

When she gave us Liam, she gave us another Sunshine.

In this world, where we see people, waiting to take the center stage and garner attention, Jaya is that rare sweet soul who stays quiet until it is time for her and rise above the expectations when it matters most.

I have never seen or heard her self appraising, the one quality women fail to master.

She is quiet and to herself and saves you any trouble any day.

I wish we all could live together for the rest of our lives, but that is just like wishing upon a Star.

My world has relatively shrunk after dad passing away. But Asir anna, jaya and Liam have forever a permanent place in my heart. My small world, the people I love, I cannot dare to think what life would have been without my brother and his family.

Yet again loads of love and blessings from your little sister on this very important day in your lives.

Am sure, Dad’s watching from Heaven, and Smiling through the day like always.

Pris.

He only takes the best !!

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God saw he was getting tired,
And a cure was not to be,
So he put his arms around him,
And whispered “Come with me”,
With tearful eyes we watched him suffer,
And saw him fade away,
Although we love him dearly,
We could not make him stay,
A golden heart stopped beating,
Hard working hands to rest,
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
He only takes the best,
Although his heart stopped beating,
His love will always remain,
His absence puts upon our hearts,
A very heavy strain,
For now he is in a place of everlasting rest,
We just have to understand that God,
He only takes the best.

Author Unknown

When I Kissed my Father !!

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Though we had a satisfying father-daughter relationship, I never really acknowledged it during my younger years as much as I do after his death.

Dad to me was a person living in the same home, who obliged to all my demands and was my companion in all seasons. He listened to me whenever I wanted him to.

In Short I abused my dad’s love towards me making him a friend only when I needed. Rest times, I made him a mere spectator giving priorities to all the other charm in the world.

For eg, I hated when he walked me to school. My school was so called walkable distance and dad often carried my bag and food stuff.

My school was one of those schools in the then Madras where the so called rich studied. I had friends and classmates, whose dad’s were in Banks and were doctors or the least businessmen.

The least was they came by scooters and I walked.

I was not ashamed of walking, I was terrified at the thought of walking with Dad. He wore basic slippers from Paragon, and often came in his dhoti. It freaked me and I wanted to hide the fact to my friends that he was my dad.

I used to walk at least 5 steps away from him, while leaving the bags for him to carry.

Once I started crying halfway and said, pls don’t come with me, How can I explain you to my friends. Dad simply smiled and said, tell them I am your Servant (Some rich kids came that way to school). I wiped my tears and shamelessly and proudly agreed.

In simple I never knew how my school fees was funded, I dint want to know who paid for my books and clothes to give me a decent education. All I wanted to do is disown my humble Father.

This realization did not come as early as it should but as late as it can when I scanned through his Pension Papers after his death. God, what on earth and how on earth he provided us with such a dignified upbringing with such a meagre salary. I was reduced to nothing with guilt. I covered my face in shame, cause I have never bought even a pair of shoes for Dad. He has never asked me for anything. I felt ashamed beyond what I could explain.

I never really realised those weary hands are the reason I exist. He provided for our family. The hardworking honest man with humble beginnings. Who put aside his interests and made ours the top of his list. Who never bought any clothes for himself, or as mom describes, never even took an autorickshaw in his life. Either took the public transport that had minimum charge or put his faith in his never complaining legs. He wore the same slippers for ages. And when they were worn out, He stitched them.

Dad had never really eaten from a Hotel. He thinks a million times before spending a penny. Asir anna and me hated him for that. Never took us in an auto, never bought us Barotta and kuruma. He had an explanation for everything.

For eg, after one of our Beach outings, we staged a protest that we want to go home in Auto. Dad explained, auto is so small, you will not be able to see the high decorated buildings if you travel in that. The buses are big and window seats meant we could have a full view of the bustling streets of Madras. He was talking sense. We agreed reluctantly. He made sure he got us Window Seat.

Long story short, my wedding never made much difference in his approach towards life. He still greeted Reji and me in the Railway Station and took us by Bus to home.

As I moved out of the comfort of my home and started to know people especially girls from all walks of life is when I understood, my Dad was an Extraordinary Human Being.

Reality came into existence and I realized it’s not money or glamorous houses that made good fathers. Especially for a Girl Child.

A Rare breed. A matchless creation of God. His love for me was beyond any human sense and I wanted to shout out to him “I love you appa”.

Shame I never Did. He always did. Over Phone and though letters. But I never did.

Even during our last meeting before his death, dad used to feed me. He used to wash all my clothes, literally.

Dad’s Honesty, his forgiving spirit, his calm attitude, his angelic face and smile, often made me wonder if I was really part of his blood.

I always promised to myself, that during my next meeting, I will definitely kiss dad on his forehead. I wanted to express how I after 30yrs acknowledged his Presence in my life. And without him in my life I would Have just been a mere lesser being.

And that’s when I kissed him….

That day, the 10th of June 2014, in the Living room of our Modest house in Chennai, I Kissed him.

I kissed his chilled body, fresh from the Freezer in the Ambulance. In human terms, my then father, now a mere body, was already close to 3 days old. The man of our lives lay there cold and lifeless. I felt mercilessly slapped by fate and stood there in denial as tears flooded my eyes. His chilled face was beyond what I could bear. I gently held my dad’s face close to mine and Kissed him for once and for all.

I hopelessly cried into his ears, tell me dad what wrong I did, I will not do it again.

I begged him to bid me a final goodbye.

I helplessly pleaded him to bless the little unformed tiny body growing inside me.

After all He was longing to see his precious daughter this way for 5 years. I shouted at him, if at all God has been gracious to me and blessed me is it not because of this poor man’s teary prayers.

He seemed to be obvious of my tears. So calm So angelic so much at peace. And I knew he has already rested in peace and been welcomed in Heaven. Now all that was left with my brother and me was to give the old fellow a fitting earthly farewell.

With shock waves on our faces and grief stricken minds and trust in Jesus Christ we put our faith into practice and laid our Dad to rest, on that warm afternoon, right next to his beloved Father.

I wish I get that same honour to be buried next to my precious father who loved us beyond anything the word love meant.

Pris

PS: Our Dad never smoked, never took a peg, never ate non-vegetarian food as far as I can trace back my memory. Some ask, what’s the use if you don’t enjoy these pleasures. But Today my brother and I stand here cherishing his spotless legacy that he has left behind. A dad like this is a boon and his Children and generation are Blessed beyond a doubt.

 

Appa, Do you Know ??

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Appa Do You Know,

Its 30 days since you left us all alone in the middle of No where.

Appa Do You Know,

Hardly a second has gone by without thinking of you.

Appa Do You Know,

There is a place in every child’s heart that only a Father can fill with Lots of Love. Today that place is overflowing with your memories.

Appa Do You Know,

Darker the nights meant deeper the memories and silent Sobs.

Appa Do You Know,

Our Hearts have been Orphaned with a burden too heavy to bear.

Appa Do You Know,

Every wakeup call sounds like your voice and its your soulful laughter that fills our ears.

Appa Do You Know,

Asir & I talk every day, something you wanted us to do when you were alive and we never did.

Appa Do You Know,

There is a great new life growing inside of me, your precious little soul you were longing to see.

Appa Do You Know,

I pick up the phone, dial your number, just in case your death was a mere weird dream and you answered the call.

Appa Do You Know,

Quiet nights, Silenced walls and wet pillows have become our companions.

Appa Do You Know,

Our eyes are searching for your warm hands to wipe the tears that drip in broad day light.

Appa Do You Know,

Staring at empty ceiling and whispering tender prayers and clinging on to your photograph makes our nights.

Appa Do You Know,

So many people, so many faces, but none matches your angelic face.

Appa Do You Know,

Your separation has scarred us for life, A scar too deep for ordinary minds to search.

Appa Do You Know,

Most times I think why did you not take me with you. Or did not even bother to bid me a final good-bye.

Appa Do You Know,

I have penned down a thousand questions to ask you when we meet face to face in heaven.

Appa, RIP

RETURN IF PoSSIBLE…. Pls Appa… Return If you Can.

Pris.

 

 

1st Birthday without Dad is nothing but just a Meaningless Poem!!

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And for the 1st time in my life I have come to face the reality of entering into a new year without Daddy and his Wishes.

Hardly 3 weeks since he breathed his last and rested in peace.

I lived in a household, where Birthday Dresses and cakes and chocolates were a must else I would be offended and go crazy. The fact is my parents never offended me.

Today as I stand here completing 30yrs of existence, I can’t but hardly move each second with a heavy heart.

I search for my mobile awaiting a call from Dad, ignoring the fact his mobile number does not exist anymore.

I had a special ringtone for my dad, a unique one. My ears can hear it, but my eyes can’t see it.

I dial his number but he doesn’t return my call. That is just not him.

I wish I can hug him today, and say dad, thanks for this life. I throw my hands in air, I hug Silence.

He was to visit me for my Birthday today in Kerala. If there was breath in his nostrils, you would not be reading this.

I shut my eyes; I wish I could shut the world off. Think of all the funny stuff dad did and made me roll with laughter.

I see a lot of people with my eyes, but none gets registered. All I can consciously see is the face my heart yearns to see. My dad’s face.

My shoulders long for his gentle pat, the way he did to wake me up.

My ears shout in desperation to hear the awesome ways he used to call me in Tamil.

His half sleeved shirt and the way I hold his elbow while walking on the road. He never let go off me.

Here I am as lonely as I can be in the midst of a thousand people, holding every tear carefully so that it doesn’t spoil the privacy of my memories. Still a couple of them escape and come running down my cheeks and I wipe them shamelessly.

I don’t want people to ask me, why am I crying. Cause to explain I don’t have words. Even if I did, some will not understand, this great a Dad with this great a love ever lived.

Voices I hear, images I see, no one can understand.

Dad, this Brithday would have been a great day to cherish if only you were here and you know why.

But you are up there in Heaven and wisely watching my struggle with your loss.

Probably you are thinking, why is my girl crying, time is not far for us to meet again.

All my senses say you are happy in heaven, but a part of me is still paralysed with your disappearance.

Bless me Dad. If at all I am alive, is it not dad, that its because of your prayers.

How I wish this day I make a decision to live a life like how my dad lived and die like how my dad died, with so much dignity and grace.

If there’s one thing I miss badly today, then It would definitely be your Cross on my forehead !!

But, I know Dad you are my Guardian Angel, looking over me today and every day.

Bless you for all that you were for me in Jesus name.

Your Precious Daughter,

Pris

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What can Father’s day mean for my brother and me who lost our father a week back !!

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Dear Appa,

Do you know how broken and helpless we are today, a week since you left us. …

the entire world is celebrating FathersDay, while we live here shattered not knowingwhat to do. Daddy do you know the pain, the intense pain in our hearts today.

appa its as if a thousand million swords have torn apart our heart into pieces we could never count. daddy do you know not a second has gone by without thinking about you.

Daddy there’s a place in our heart and it’s always yours.

Our house is just as empty as our hearts. dad you probably never understand what am talking about else you would not have left us abruptly.

dad did you know this was coming our way?

dad why didn’t you hint us.

dad given 1 last chance would you just smile at us the way you usually do and put a cross on our forehead.

dad did you think of liam during your final moments, you loved him so much.

dad did you think of my unborn baby and thought it would be like you if it was a boy.

dad how on earth you had the courage to think that death could separate us. but daddy I know you never wanted us to cry, you never made us cry.

If only we are half as good as you, we will be in heaven for sure.

how bad life can be daddy. all the money we have in this world could not buy us a hug from you.

blessed are your children for generations daddy.

we are blessed only because of you. we love you daddy, sad that we never told this to you as long as you were alive.

every breath we take its your memory that fills us. you taught us everything in this world, except on how to to deal with the pain of your death.

but we know you are with us forever and we Bless you in Jesus name !